oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
