What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize