i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
this boner is exhausting
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
