One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
