My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
