My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
