is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
