he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
