i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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