Can i not drive my cunt home
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Quick, to the slutcave!
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
