dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
