If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
