I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Randomize
