Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Is it because I queefed?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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