Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It's never too late to be topless.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
