Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
