i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
