Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
My breasts were aching with rage.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
