Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
