I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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