You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
