her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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