Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
