i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
