I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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