chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
