Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
