I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I'm really busy with my period
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