I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
