I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
