he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
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Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
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the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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