my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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