i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
