i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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