May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
