mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
