how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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