Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
