so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
