ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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