Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
