its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
