Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You ate ashes out of my bong
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
