just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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