you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
