then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
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She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
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Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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