I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
