Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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