I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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