And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
