Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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