I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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