I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Found the puke drawer
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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