I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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