yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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