Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
