Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
