He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
