Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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