A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
