I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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