MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
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we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
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Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
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