i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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