I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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