you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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