im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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